Transvigor / Lingster's Big Mouth: 02/2003

MAN, watching these "Are You Hot?" dropouts crying afterwards is hilarious. A bunch of really pretty people, who have probably never before been rejected on the basis of looks, and they're just devastated. Cast down from Olympus.

AN AIR FRANCE CONCORDE ALMOST CRASHED AGAIN TODAY. The same plane had to make an emergency landing last week. If the French can't keep these ridiculous supersonic boondoggles properly serviced, we shouldn't let them enter our airspace.

DAMN! They just had a female lumberjack on Are You Hot? Her name is Ginger Bell, and she flexed on camera! She got a "NOT" and had to walk off.
Update: Here she is.

GETTING A SPIKE IN TRAFFIC, but I think it's mainly due to people Googling for things like "Sofia Vergara", "Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition", "Marisa Miller" and "Serena Williams". Here at Lingster's Big Mouth, we aim to please.

READER CHANEY forwards this Philadelphia Inquirer article on tough chicks.

MARKNEW IM'D ME EARLIER TODAY, regarding my injunction against people taking photos of that cute college girl. Here's the back-and-forth:

Marknew:

Lingster:

Marknew:

Lingster:

Marknew:

Lingster:

So there you go.

TRAFFIC NUMBERS: Lingster's Blog had a total of 6603 visitors last week.

I REMEMBER BACK WHEN I WAS ON THE TRACK TEAM, there was one girl who was on the gymnastics team, but then ran winter and spring track. She was unbelievably cute, and petite. And then one rainy day both the girls' and boys' teams were stuck in the weight room together, and I watched in awe as she completed a set of 10 reps on the incline bench, with 60 pounds on the olympic bar. 105 pounds. Incline. I can do that now, easily. But I sure as heck couldn't do it then. I remember going flush in the face, and feeling my heart speed up and pound in my chest.

I guess that photo of Miss Frederick brings that back to me.

MY KINDA BLOG: War talk and big boobs at Snotskykims.

INCIDENTALLY, about that photo: the way I see it, the photographer noticed the strapping, powerful limbs of the hippolytan Miss Frederick, and then asked all the girls to flex to cover his interest in her muscularity. --Mighty Lingster, forensic photography analyst.

"YOUNG, BUT NICE PIPES!" began this remarkable message thread, by Team888, linking to this photo at a Massachusetts high school sports site. I don't know about you, but when I took a gander at the girl on the left, my heart jumped up into my throat. I cannot conceive of how an 18-year-old girl could grow a set of arms like that, but my guess would be that it involved hundreds of hours in the gym, and lots of protein. According to Tangent, her name is Megan Frederick, now a freshman at Bucknell, and in the track program.

Tangent suggests that someone go to Bucknell track events with a camera--I would humbly suggest that such behavior crosses the line into creepy stalker territory. Leave her alone and hope that she agrees to do a photo set with Tre or somebody. So Lingster commands.

SOME PEOPLE HAVE MUCH TOO MUCH FREE TIME. Anyone who calls the police for something as frivolous as this ought to be locked up.

IT'S AMAZING WHAT YOU CAN DO WITH A FISHEYE LENS AND A BIG SET OF BOOBS. Anybody know how to make 3D stereoscopic images out of something like this? That could be something.

I WENT TO SEE GODS AND GENERALS TODAY. There are two points I want to make about this.

Surely there will erupt a hellacious controversy over this movie, because it depicts black southerners as being conflicted about the Confederacy, and about southern whites, slave-holding and otherwise. But in my estimation it was a very honest film, bereft of propaganda or simplification, trying to analyze the motives of several different people, northern and southern, black and white, against the backdrop of horrific carnage and conflict. I wish that I could be a man as steadfast and determined as Stonewell Jackson. I wish I could live up to his standards. I doubt I ever could. He was a better man than I could ever hope to be, and I am not fit to judge him. Likewise Robert E. Lee.

I went to see this film at the Battery Park City theatre, which overlooks Ground Zero. The whole front of the building is glass, so when you're up on the fourth floor, you can't help but be mesmerized by the scene across the parking lot--the reconstruction efforts in the pit. Gods and Generals is so long it actually has an intermission, during which people in the audience--who for the most part live in lower Manhattan--began talking about war. I was particularly struck by two obvious ex-hippies strenuously trying to outdo each other in their pro-war vehemence. These people are already at war--their homes have been bombed. One of them said in a loud voice, "I don't know what the rest of the country is waiting for. It's like they've forgotten 9/11 already." And dozens of people around him nodded in agreement.

Read Lileks today. Read it all the way to the end.

I GOT HOME A LITTLE WHILE AGO and watched the Jenny Jones episode from this morning. What a freak show! There were one or two cute girls among the amazons, but y'know, there's something tragic about these women who build themselves up to unnatural levels of muscularity. Denise Hoshor was on the show--she's definitely smaller than she was a few years ago, and looks much better, but some of the others looked like steroids were gonna make their eyes pop out of their heads.

I GOT AHOLD OF A COPY OF THE NEW SPORTS ILLUSTRATED SWIMSUIT ISSUE. For the most part, it's the usual gang of flat-chested waifs that some female editor and her gay photographer think men want to drool over. The few pages of Serena Williams are worth looking at, though, and the Miller Brewing Company has outdone itself. Miller took out several pages of ads, some of which open into centerfold-style spreads (and into a 27"x24" poster, if you remove the pages), of the spectacularly pneumatic (and very easy on the eyes!) Sofia Vergara, God bless their horny, beer hawking hearts. With the exception of the very-nicely-put-together Marisa Miller (note the Miller-large-breast connection), there is more titflesh in Sofia Vergara's ad spread than in all the rest of the pictorials in the magazine put together, damn the production staff's anorexiphiliac souls to hell.

Seriously, if you're going to put out a "swimsuit issue"--and this is a problem I've had with SI since I was a kid and the SI Swimsuit Issue really meant something--it oughtta be filled with beautiful women who are forced to custom order brassieres because their mammalian charms are so delightfully bountiful that they defy off-the-rack constraining garments. And I'm not talking about freakishly plastic-titted pole dancers, just about naturally yummy gals like Miss Vergara and Miss Miller.

Anyway, that's my two cents.

OUR FRIEND SPARKY writes in to say that Serena Williams may be in the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition.

NIGHTCLUBS--What's interesting about this latest incident, as opposed to the one in Chicago, is that the club was apparently in line with code, and the fire exits were all functioning. But the fire burst into the open so quickly that everyone tried to leave via the main entryway, without seeking the fire exits. Pretty awful.

JENNY JONES TODAY: Women whose muscularity makes it hard for them to find dates. Mofarooq69 found this one, posted it on DtV. It's on at 9am in New York, so maybe you want to go to work a little late?

TWO MUSCULAR GIRLS ON ELIMIDATE! One of them's a fitness girl, the other looks like she's got mass as a goal. The fitness girl is cute, but the bigger girl is a little bit scary.

Update: Dummy boy cut the cute fitness girl first. I'm going to bed.

OFF TOPIC WAR LINK: This is very amusing.

HERE'S A CUTE SITE CALLED "SUPERGIRLS, INC." It's lushly illustrated with lots of Tom Burgos artwork, and has some great links.

LOTS OF TRAFFIC thanks to the Gawker link, but no racy photos of strapping amazons just yet. [Sigh.] I want something lascivious-yet-useful to come of this primo linking.

GREETINGS GAWKER READERS. This blog site is run for the benefit of (mostly) men who like athletic/muscular women with big boobs. By all means stay and look around, especially if you're a buff girl with a C+ cup size (send photos to lingster@email.com). :-)

MIKE TYSON got a facial tattoo, apparently so that people who failed to recognize him in person will also know he's a freak.

I FEEL LIKE A PIZZA. I kinda went through most of my food during the blizzard. Merde. [Update: there's an odd citrus smell in my place.]

MARKNEW posted his revision to Steve the Z's story, "A Day at the Mall".

ELIMIDATE ALERT: Thursday and Friday both look promising. A lot of boobs, and maybe even a bit of muscle.

SO I'VE GOTTEN EMAIL FROM PEOPLE WANTING TO KNOW WHY I THINK DONNASAYS' AD IS FAKE. Lemme break it down:

Her head is proportionately too large for a 6'4" body. I'd guess she's more like 5'7".

Where do you a suppose a 6'4", 245 pound female bodybuilder would get jeans with designer prints on them?

Maybe we could run this by Fistman, but I'm thinking I would have heard about a 6'4" extremely muscular female bartender in Manhattan.

Is she one of Tre's model friends? Jody May?

People rarely brag about their sociopathic tendencies in personal ads.

Wow! Isn't it terrific that she actually likes beating up men? If only she could find men who'd pay her to do that....

WOULD YOU LIKE TO RUN SOMEBODY ELSE'S PORN BLOG? No, not this one; this one. Your would-be employer, Nick, is the founder of a couple "pro" blogs--basically a cheap alternative to the spectacularly expensive media sites (a la Salon) that sprung up a coupl'a years back. I can't see any route for him to make real money with these ventures, so I expect he's just trying to get famous (a tried and failed, yet strangely durable Silicon Alley strategy).

Apparently Nick's just discovered Poser and thinks it might be a risk to the livelihood of porn stars. I figure he's never tried to wrangle a BVH file--making a pretty picture ain't so hard. Makin' it move like a person...that's a challenge.

I DON'T ACTUALLY BELIEVE THIS AD IS FOR REAL, but it's definitely worth looking at. Nerve is free to browse, so sign up. Believe me. Sign up.

EEGORE GUSHES:

www.justicebabes.com

Yeah, I pointed people to the site about a year ago--they were in pre-launch for a loooong time. I defer to your expertise.

BY READER CORKY, I stand corrected:

Just a point of information, if you haven't already been told. It wasn't a midget, it was a chimpanzee in the dog suit.

MYOSTATINUS posted a really cool new FMG story to DtV. It's right here.

SOME NICE LOOKING LADIES at the Tyson Invitational track meet.

OK, I could do without the midget in a robot dog costume.

BATTLESTAR GALACTICA is on the Sci-Fi Channel right now. I haven't seen it in about 20 years--nice surprise on a snowbound day. Jane Seymour!

How come they keep recycling awful Star Trek crap, yet we see no activity on the Battlestar Galactica front?

I AM TOTALLY SNOWED IN. More than two feet of snow on the sidewalk. And I'm seeing some brownouts on the electricity.

THE FOX 5 WEATHERMAN JUST SAID THE SNOW STORM IS "MOVING UP THE I-95 CORRIDOR". Do you think it's paying the tolls? Maybe it has E-Z Pass? Am I nuts for being a bit bothered that he would reduce 300 miles of coastline--six states--a whole region of the country--as a highway corridor? Grr.

WATCHING THE MARRIED WITH CHILDREN REUNION, and I'm laughing so hard I can't stand it. They're just playing highlights, but it's hilarious. They even have Ted McGinley, the cursed one, on the show.

VIEW FROM THE TOP has had its release date moved back. Normally this means the movie sucks and the studio's trying to fix it, but since we're only interested because Kelly Preston looks inconceivably sexy, it shouldn't affect us.

A BUNCH OF VERONIKA ZEMANOVA PICS (NUDE) at Forest of Breast's Blue Board for Big Gaijin Titties.

AS I GROW OLDER, two things increasingly vex me. One is that when I'm in the bathroom, the spigot doesn't turn on or off as readily as it used to, if you know what I mean. The second is the never-ending improvement in the indestructibility of packaging materials. I swear to Christ, we're almost at the point where you need a hatchet to open a pack of AA batteries. I bought a new shirt the other day, and it had one of those little nylon loops holding the price tag. I pulled on it...no give. I pulled a little harder...still no give. I had to go get a pair of scissors to remove it! They've been making those thingies incrementally tougher for a decade or more, and they're now at the point where the cartilage and flesh of your fingers will yield before the nylon polymer strands.

Occasionally I'll buy a new tool at Home Depot--a screwdriver or a flashlight or something--and it will be inside a fused piece of clear, 3mm flexible plastic that will yield to nothing short of a pair of sheet metal shears, or a welding torch. My Myoplex shake envelopes are the same way--totally unrippable barring a slight notch in the top. The machine or person that's supposed to notch the envelopes manages to do so about 75% of the time. The other 25% of the time, I need to find a pair of scissors.

Meanwhile the space shuttle suffers a catastrophic failure because a piece of foam--FOAM!!--broke off and shattered a score of vital heat shielding tiles. What's the matter with these materials scientists? Maybe we should coat the bottom of the shuttle in whatever it is that they use to make light bulb packaging out of.

HAHAHAHAHA! Funniest thing I've seen all week. (If you don't get the joke, see Chamberlain, Neville.) I'm wiping away tears. I've heard of the ignorant being doomed to repeat history, but this is ridiculous.

SILICON SHORTAGE IN BRAZIL.

NOT GONNA RANT ABOUT THE MARXI...., UH, PEACE DEMONSTRATORS. Not gonna rant...

OH, MAN. Today's New York Post cover is a keeper.

SOMEBODY WHO READS THIS HAS THE KLEZ VIRUS, because it's emailing people as me. See, Klez and variants try to reproduce by sending out new viruses to people in your address book. Lots of viruses do that. But Klez goes one better--it pretends to be someone in your address book, so that no one can figure out who's sending it. I suspect it's a reader of this blog, because it's now sending out as ME, and I can ASSURE you that my machine is not infected.

Here's the header on the message:

So here's the thing: if you read this blog, and your email uses an SMTP server that looks anything like pol.co.uk, then you might be the infected party, and should get some anti-virus software, ASAP. (pol.co.uk belongs to a company called "Planet Online Ltd.", aka "Energis")

AN ARTICLE AT THIS IS LONDON describes the phenomenon of something called an "ecotourist" being eaten by lions. Apparently it's been happening on a fairly regular basis. Here's the thing--when you enter the wild, you enter the food chain. And you get these people who grew up in cities or suburbs with perfectly tamed lawns who don't understand this, going out into the jungle or the savannah looking for interesting experiences. About five years ago I tried to sneak up on two fawns in a large state park in South Jersey, and panicked a whole herd of deer I hadn't seen. I was nearly trampled, four or five miles back in the woods. That is to say, I could have been seriously injured, while alone far into the woods, by a bunch of 45-lb herbivores; by Bambi. It easy to die in the wilderness.

I used to date a girl who grew up in New York City, who went on canoe trip up the Amazon River, with almost no modern camping or survival gear. Just a canoe, a tarp, some power bars and a machete-wielding teenager for a guide. We had just started dating when she went on this expedition. My comment upon being informed of her destination:

"Are you fucking crazy?"

I don't know much about the Amazon River, but I know that there are flowers that can kill you. There are poisonous bugs as big as your arm. There are piranha, and alligators, and wild boar. If I went on a camping trip down there (and I would not), I'd have modern tents, a generator, a GPS device, a satellite phone, an automatic rifle, etc.

Camping near lions. Idiots.

SNICKER.

RE: LUKE WILSON'S EYES BEING TOO CLOSE TOGETHER: See? Again.

OK, SO LET'S STIPULATE THAT YOU STAYED UP ALMOST 'TIL DAWN WORKING ON SOME 3D SMUT. Then you got up at 7:30, with about 3 hours and 15 minutes of sleep. It turns out that the warning about not putting your contacts in with less than 8 hours in the saline actually has some basis in fact, I'm sad to tell you. Itchy, itchy, itchy!

And the reason I woke up at 7:30 is that Lingster's Mom called to make sure I don't take the subway, because Muslim fanatics might blow it up. (Everybody in NYC is getting these calls from their mothers--I blame Katie Couric.)

Needless to say, I'm taking the goddamned subway, and riding in the first car. That way if the shit hits the fan, at least I can die like a man.

OY, I can't believe I stayed up 'til 4am working on this. (Naked people)

OUCH. Don't want to be in front of one of these things. Nobody talks about artillery much anymore, but you gotta figure a 100 lb. round, moving at well over than mach 1, makes quite a hole in whatever it's aimed toward.

RECENTLY I DECLARED MYSELF TO BE BETTER LOOKING THAN ED NORTON. No one contested my claim, disposed as all of you must be to trust my truthfulness and general magnanimity in all matters.

But that got me thinkin': there are a lot of very plain-looking male movie stars about. Take Jason Lee. Here's a guy who gets top-billing opposite Julia Stiles--a serious up-and-coming hottie.

Then there's Ben Stiller, who is better-looking than his chimp-like father, but still not the prettiest fellow you ever saw. And while Owen Wilson is good-looking, his brother Luke has eyes that are waaaay too close together.

ALSO WHILE EGO SURFING, I turned up a copy of Diana the Valkyrie's first story index. She called it "DREAMS", and the idea was some kind of Gopher-like server whereby you could send an email to a bot requesting a story and it would send it back to you. Kind of a kluge for someone who didn't have a Web server. Soon after she set up the Web server.

I WAS DOING A LITTLE EGO SURFING, and found David C. Matthew's blog. I kinda knew he had one, but it was one of those ethereal/fringe knowing things. He links to his art page from there.

SNIPPET OF IM CONVERSATION BETWEEN MARKNEW AND LINGSTER, following discussion of the mysterious "Steve the Z":

(Coffee is Lingster's kryptonite!)

URGENT: DESPERATELY SEEKING "STEVEN THE Z", author of "The Mall". Serious responses only. Email me at lingster@email.com.

I AM NOT THE ONLY TO TAKE UMBRAGE at the jaw-jaw of the Hollywood know-nothings.

FROM THE UK SUN, this very bizarre, but nonetheless entertaining, little photo play. The Sun's Page 3 girls are usually not very busty, so it's odd that they run several stories a week about large breasts. Odd, but I'm not complaining.

A VERY AMUSING THREAD ABOUT JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT & HER FUNBAGS, from those amiable tit-freaks at the BE Archive. And if you like that one, don't miss this other thread wherein the BEA's denizens discuss the morality of hiring women based on their breast development, versus their actual job skills. As "Lesbian Bob" notes in his post:

You always hire the most qualified person. That way you make more money and you can afford more and better strippers and prostitutes. That's what our scoutmaster always told us. I love those guys.

YESTERDAY was the busiest day ever at Lingster's Big Mouth--816 visitors. We've been on an uptrend for over a month, and I have no idea why, really. I usually go with Nedstat's results, rather than The Counter, but the results according to the latter have been even higher--those results are sent to me weekly. I'll post them tomorrow.

INCIDENTALLY, while we're talking about Yahoo! Groups, I added Smitty's, A Growing Concern, to the left-side menu bar. He's got really good stuff there. I don't know what he's thinking about with the violet background, though. Hard to read the text.

(And think of it not as the royal "we", but rather as the Paul Harvey "we".)

ACTUALLY, HerStrength has some good videos, so I shouldn't make fun. Last night I spent a couple hours getting an old PC running and networked into my router, to salvage all the media files on it. It's funny--it's got a 4 gig drive, which seemed like a LOT when it was new. So I downloaded this huge collection of videos and photos I remembered onto my new Powerbook--but it was only 450 meg. I could burn the whole thing onto one CD! I've got bigger FILES on my drive today!

Anwyay, the two videos I remember most fondly still make me tingle:

One begins with a shot of a decent-sized bicep, then pans wider to show that it belongs to a woman in a wedding dress. The narrator says, "The weaker sex? I don't think so!"
The other starts with a female TV reporter interviewing a young woman in a shopping mall. The young woman takes off her jacket and she's got muscles. Big muscles. The reporter becomes very enthusiastic and begins complimenting her build.

Both these incidents have the surprise-femuscle thing going on, which is a tremendous turn-on for me. Which is, incidentally, the way that it's most likely to happen in real life.

A MATTER OF VITAL IMPORTANCE, to be measured in a survey at the HerStrength Yahoo! Group:

women
men

My answer? I have no fucking idea.

MADONNA IS AGAINST THE WAR SO IT MUST BE BAD. Hahahaha. The more of these Hollywood chuckleheads that come out against vaporizing Saddam, the more sure I am that it's the right course of action. I got an email from my hippie aunt the other day--this woman has made every mistake you could expect of someone in that ludicrous generation--and she is, naturally, opposed to the war. She and her friends are trying to arrange some kind of drug-in, where every participant will get stoned for peace, but I'm not sure how this varies from their regular daily routine...

I have yet to hear someone I respect come out against a war against Iraq. And to Ms. Ciccone: Shut up you ridiculous, pampered buffoon. In terms of being in touch with reality, most people put you in the same category as Elton John and Michael Jackson, OK?

THIS ISN'T BAD. Busty 3D Japanese girl you get to play with.

DRUDGE SAYS JACK-O WANTS TO GO ON 60 MINUTES TOMORROW to address the documentary aired last week on ABC, which he claims makes him out, unfairly, to be some kind of freak. It's important to remember in this circumstance that he allowed the documentary to be made so that he could show the world that he's really just a normal guy. Now he wants more television exposure to, once again, demonstrate that he's jus' plain folks. There's only one problem with this strategy: He IS a freak. He's had God-only-knows how many plastic surgeries, and he has a disturbing fondness for small children and non-human primates.

My first rule when I find myself in a hole is to STOP DIGGING. He would do well to consider disappearing for a while while this blows over. (That said, I look forward to seeing him tomorrow night on 60 Minutes.)

FOUND IT--I posted about Natalie Hunt almost a year ago, on February 25, 2002.

KNOCKOUT FITNESS GIRL NATALIE HUNT has some cute shots here. There are also some pics of her interspersed in the Fitness America competition galleries, where she shows a little bit more muscle--1, 2. It's hard to find information about her, but apparently she was the author/model for a June, 2002 Oxygen Magazine feature called "Pec-Ture Perfect: Natalie Hunt's tips for sculpting the perfect pecs". I'll bet a lot of husbands and boyfriends made sure that issue didn't go in the recycling bin.

I wrote about her before, but damned if I can find the post.

THE BIG CD DATABASE characterizes The Pogues as "Alternative". Hmph. Pogue Mahone!

SO I'M RIPPING THE POGUES' RUM, SODOMY AND THE LASH into iTunes, but I'm not sure whether to classify the band as Celtic, with the Chieftains; or Punk, with Social Distortion. What do you guys think? And please, keep in mind that I'd like to be able to classify the band, not the album, which is admittedly one of the more celtic-sounding of their albums. As a whole, were The Pogues (with Shane MacGowan) a punk band or not? I am vexed.

FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO REMEMBER MARIA WHITTAKER, 1980s British Page 3 girl, there's a terrific Yahoo! Group dedicated to her. She was a very cute, phenomenally large- and full-breasted young woman. After you join, click here to see my favorite photo of her clothed.

LIGHTS OUT. Looking forward to the weekend; hump day past.

STAYING UP LATE TO SEE THIS CHAPPELLE THING. It's hilarious. "I'm never going to curse my funbags again!"

THE UK SUN COMMENTS ON A DISTURBING TREND: Busty celebrity weight-loss. Write a busty celeb today and tell her you love her love-handles!

APPARENTLY THE DAVE CHAPPELLE SHOW ran a big-bust skit tonight. It replays at 12:30am EST on Comedy Central. The skit involves a big-breasted woman complaining about her chest size. An angel appears and then walks her, Capra-style, through what her life would have been like if she'd been small-breasted. Hilarious, from the sound of it.

LOTSA PHOTOS OF MINAMI on the Forest of Breast White Board. She's pretty cute.

I BOUGHT A CD BY WILCO, Yankee Hotel Foxtrot, on the recommendation of some bloggers I like. It's not what I expected, and I'm a little disappointed. I'll listen to it some more and see if I feel better about it.

TOM BURGOS USING EBAY AGAIN.

JUST WATCHED PLANET OF THE APES for the first time. The 2001 remake. I'd heard people commenting on this before, but I guess I just really didn't absorb how completely stupid the ending was. I've thought it through a couple of times, and it's just completely nonsensical. Tim Burton sucks.

EH. Not much Raye Hollitt muscle on the second JAG episode--she mostly had sleeves on. But it turns out, plot-wise, that her ability to out-bench a male officer is what fueled his rage enough to kill.

DID YOU EVER GET THE IDEA that Leona Helmsley is given a hard time by the courts because people think she's a pushy Jew? I mean, she doesn't seem like a very nice person to me, but it certainly isn't illegal to be obnoxious. For the life of me I can't imagine any other reason why a jury would have found against her in this case, and awarded such a ridiculously large sum in damages.

In her previous imprisonment on tax evasion charges, she was sent away for 18 months. But while former employees testified that she said "only the little people pay taxes," the truth is that her evasions were relatively minor compared to the tens of millions of dollars in taxes that she did pay. Seems to me that somebody who pays a few hundred times the tax load of an average person, and has an exponentially more complex return, ought to be provided a little forgiveness when the auditing gets started. Certainly someone who forks out millions each year in taxes can't be accused of not paying their share.

(Oh, and if you've ever ordered a book from Amazon and not reported the sales tax on your state return, or ever written off a personal expense as a business expense, you've committed the same crimes Leona Helmsley did.)

A POX ON KEVIN SMITH AND BEN AFFLECK. For Dogma, that over-rated, blasphemous piece of crap, Smith made the excellent decision to cast Salma Hayek. For Jersey Girl, Smith cast Jennifer Lopez, probably because his pretty-boy buddy Affleck is currently tied up in a 10-minute Hollywood marriage with her. Jennifer Lopez is Salma's arch-nemesis, and Salma should in all cases be given preference.

But Salma gets the last laugh, because in addition to being the toast of Hollywood--since Frida she's recognized as a serious actress and forceful, visionary producer--she is just about the most incendiary goddamn hottie in the Western Hemisphere. I was walking by a newsstand today and my eye stuck on her Vanity Fair cover; the torque of my head-snap nearly ripped the spine out of my back.

Also, another nice thing about Salma Hayek is that her boyfriend is not as good-looking as me, doesn't dress as well as me, and I think I could probably beat him up. (Although I have to admit that he probably makes more money than me, the bastard.)

And Jersey Girl? Where does Smith get the nerve? Mr. Mallrats isn't fit to lick the boots of Tom Waits OR Bruce Springsteen. Buy some decent clothes and stop dressing like Keansburg trash, fat boy.

RAYE HOLLITT UPDATE: So that's tonight at 11pm EST on the USA Network. Don't miss it!

APPARENTLY PART 2 of this episode of JAG will be on tomorrow at 11am EST on USA. She looked really good. Here's a photo of her, good Lord.

RAYE HOLLITT ON JAG RIGHT NOW, on USA. She's a pretty good actress. I think this might have been the first episode.

OK, 10 MINUTES LATER IT SEEMS SOMEWHAT LESS HILARIOUS.

I'M WATCHING "CLONE HIGH" on MTV, it's hilarious. Pretext is that many famous people from history have been cloned and are now in high school. Joan of Arc is a goth girl who hears voices, JFK can't keep his d*** in his pants, Gandhi has A.D.D., and Cleopatra is a vacuous, big chested bimbo. The dialog is pretty clever.

THE NEW YORK TIMES ON KALPANA CHAWLA. As usual they don't quite get it right, trying to shape her triumphs as being over gender discrimination. The reality is that Dr. Chawla triumphed over EVERY obstacle placed in her path, from being born in humble circumstances to being discriminated against as a woman to becoming a foreign-born American astronaut (how many of those have their been?). And that's not even mentioning the academic and physical rigors of reaching her station, or the courage required to risk her life in a 22-year-old rattletrap spaceship.

I CHECKED TODAY ON GOOGLE GROUPS, and we're approaching the seventh anniversary of the emergence of the person called "Diana the Valkyrie". How to celebrate? (Maybe we could get Diana a copy of Microsoft FrontPage?)

SO THE SIMPSONS EPISODE WAS PRETTY COOL. Marge looked pretty good, and the response at DtV has been pretty favorable. I imagine some people will say it's "bad for the sport", but as I'm not among those who believe it's a sport, whatever.

MY GOD, this is hilariously cheesy. I can remember going on a tour of Universal Studios in the late 70s, and they were still showing off the sets and special effects they'd used to make Earthquake. Desipite its shortcomings by modern standards, it must have been tremendously expensive to film in 1974. Also, I must admit that the scenes of Los Angeles in ruins are not too shabby.

I'm a little disappointed that Victoria Principal has taken off her jacket only once, in a gratuitous cheesecake exploitation shot (YEAH!) during which George Kennedy took a long look at her chest. Hopefully I'll get to see some seismic jiggling at some point.

WATCHING EARTHQUAKE, one of those great Chuck Heston disaster movies. My main reason for doing so is the presence of a very, VERY young Victoria Principal as an, ahem, earth-shattering hottie. But I had forgotten Genevieve Bujold is also in it, and she's not too bad, either.

GINGER OR MARY ANN? Hmmm. Tina Louise was sighted ripping...well, just read it for yourself. Very odd. I'm going with Mary Ann.

WATCHING CNN about one of the dead astronauts, Kalpana Chawla. What a phenomenal woman! Born in somewhat humble circumstances in India in 1961, went to an engineering school in India, came to the U.S. for post graduate studies, went to work for NASA, admitted to the astronaut program in 1994. She always knew what she wanted to do--fly. This was her second flight into space--I can't find any information about it, but I assume she became a U.S. Citizen at some point.

GREGG EASTERBROOK has a great article in Time about why the shuttle fleet should be mothballed, ASAP. I don't always agree with this guy, but he's right on, here.

NOMDRESERV posted some new stuff to his site--stories, mainly.

ACTUALLY, it's three surviving shuttles: Discovery, Atlantis and Endeavour. I'm going off the grid, now. I can't stand to watch it anymore.

THE SHUTTLE FLEET--the two (?) that are left--are really old. I wonder if NASA won't just retire them and move forward with new designs. God, I'm sick to my stomach.

SPACE SHUTTLE COLUMBIA, CREW, LOST. Sad, sad day.

DAMNIT! How did I miss this? Amazon women lifting cars in Manhattan?

Transvigor / Lingster's Big Mouth

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