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9/29/2003

ONE OF THOSE NIGHTS

This is one of those nights where I'm drunk, bored and alone. Girlfriend is out of town, and it's a Monday so none of mis amigos feel like going out. Normally I don't blog while I'm drunk - that way trouble lies - but I'm reasonably lucid, so what the hell.

I'm watching Newlyweds on MTV, with Jessica Simpson and that guy Nick she's married to. Jessica Simpson has a great body, but she's dumb as a sack of hammers and not that good-looking. I've dated better-looking girls than Jessica Simpson, though admittedly no one as nicely upholstered.

Seriously - Simpson is preposterously stupid. Somebody offered her buffalo wings at a restaurant a few episodes back, and she said "I don't eat buffalo." One of the other people at the table explained that buffalo don't have wings - and her eyes went wide, as if somebody had just shared the secret of life.

What can you say to that? How do you confront stupidity of that magnitude? The girl clearly got on the boob line twice, but skipped the one for brains.

WHAT ARE YOU?

I was about to set up a Yahoo! Group so I could have a place to post picture and media files, but I'm at a loss to name it. It should contain my name, probably in the possessive, e.g. "Lingster's..." but I need something else. I was thinking maybe I could name it after you folks, but who are you? Here are some ideas I had (after draining 2/3 of a bottle of Turning Leaf $7.99 Merlot and slo-mo-ing through the Kelly Preston boob-jiggling frames in View from the Top):
  • Lingster's Wiener Dog Battalion
  • Lingster's Alliance of the Free Peoples of Middle Earth
  • Lingster's Horny Toad Squad
  • Lingster's Jumbalaya Jamboree
  • Lingster's Stout Fellows

    Post your ideas in the Comments section! For Christ's sake take some of the creative burden off my weary goddamned head!

  • VIEW FROM THE TOP AGAIN

    I picked up View From the Top at FYE today, for $14.99. That was a mighty fast trip to the discount rack, baby. Fucker left skidmarks.

    Kelly Preston's bust was everything I'd hoped for, but no one prepared me for Christina Applegate's biceps! She's been hitting the weights!

    MARKNEW/NOMDRESERV COLLABORATION

    A new story is available on DtV today, called "Matt & Emma". It is exceedingly good.

    9/28/2003

    WOMEN NARROWING ATHLETIC GAP?

    Reader Rob forwarded an article from the Boston Globe claiming that women are narrowing the performance gap that sits between them and men.

    Every few years this idea gets going, that women are catching up with men. It's not really true. One of the fallacies it rests on is the statistical outlier. So when an article points to a 6' tall girl like golf prodigy Michelle Wie, who can drive better than 300-yards, you have to ask, how many women vs. men can drive 300+ yards? No one is arguing that no women can equal male performance - the question is how many? Of hundreds of thousands (if not millions) of men who are interested in competitive basketball, only one reached the performance level of Michael Jordan - call it 1:500,000 odds. What are the odds of a woman reaching that level? I lack the stats knowledge to figure it, but it's got to be at least eight or ten times as rare. Also, the statistical outlier is often so obviously prone to be skilled in the sport that she (or he) is recruited to play, throwing off the odds of it occurring randomly - think Manut Bol. Perhaps Michelle Wie will be the sole woman to reach a level of skill that only several hundred men globally attain - but that will still be several hundred to one.

    Take a look at track and field: in 1988, Florence Griffith Joyner shattered the women's record in the 100 meter, achieving a time of 10.49 seconds - cutting more than a quarter second off the previous record of 10.76. I believe the record still stands. For purposes of comparison, the Nebraska high school boys track record is 10.5. That is to say, the fastest woman in the history of the world is only 1/100th of a second faster than the fastest high school boy in the history of Nebraska. Larger states like New York have significantly better times than Joyner's as the record for the boy's 100 meter. Ranked women's meets around the world usually see only a slight edge in 100 meter times over run of the mill high school boys' events. And need I add, upper body strength is a secondary factor in the sprints.

    Women are not achieving physical equality with men. What is happening is that athletically talented women are finding appreciation and outlets for their abilities, and that notions of female frailty are gradually being cast aside. Physiology is the ultimate limiting factor, not culture.

    AND SPEAKING OF LAD MAGS

    Stuff Magazine put gigantic-breasted Catherine Bell on the cover this month. The girl is simply stacked, there's no other way to describe it. And it's clear that Stuff's photographer spent the better part of a day with her - there are photos of Catherine stretching out a cotton bikini top, erupting from a cut-up tank top and lounging in fishnet. Plus there are two pictures of her - one of them heart-stopping - in a mylar/spandex thingie that looks as if it would explode if just another few ounces were added to the 10 or 12 pounds of lactating tissue Miss Bell fronts.

    Vanessa Marcil also has a spread - she's really cute but I can't quite get past the fact that she allegedly star-fucked Corey Feldman. There have always been rumors that she was married to the little fella (ick!), but in this Stuff article she denies even having sex with him. Says she, "I can't answer questions about somebody I knew for five minutes. I drank too much when I was a teenager and don't remember much about most of the people I was hanging out with." (Yeah, I drank too much as a teenager and don't remember having sex with that fat chick. Unfortunately, my friends do remember it.)

    There's also an interior full-page of cutie-pie Kelly Ripa, who after bearing several children has grown boobs nearly as big as her head. Good for her!

    GINA GERSHON - BI-SPURIOUS?

    I was amused to see that Gina Gershon is currently the covergirl for both testosterone-soaked lad magazine MAXIM, and for the self-described "award-winning national gay & lesbian newsmagazine", The Advocate. I suppose this sort of thing is to expected - not to sound too much like a feminist lit crit major (because I'm not one), but the nature of an object exists in the eye of the beholder. If gays want to make an icon of Gershon at the same time young straight guys want to fantasize about her, well, there's no reason that can't be finagled. Just don't put the magazines next to each other on the newsstand or somebody's daydream might get spoiled.

    NEAL POLLACK INVASION

    Shameless self-promoter Neal Pollack is going on tour to promote his new book, Never Mind the Pollacks. I encourage readers to bring attractive women in Wonder Woman costumes to his tour dates, just to fuck with his head.

    Neal Pollack Invasion - Tour Schedule

    9/27/2003

    BOOB AEROBICS

    A London gym has devised a new class aimed at enlarging the bust. The class is naturally called "Boob Aerobics", but it enjoys as much weightlifting as actual aerobic activity. The gym owner charactizes it thusly:
    It's about sweat not surgery, and this new fitness regime is certainly proving popular with many of our female members for whom the breasts are an important focus of their exercise routine.

    NEW BOJAY SITE

    I wrote about Bojay archive CD last month. The original site showcasing the Bojay CD went down because it exceeded bandwidth limits, but a new one has been created.

    I first noticed Bojay's work more than ten years ago when he illustrated a real-life, gradual FMG story about a teenage girl that appeared in one of the major bodybuilding magazines. (I believe it was called "Bodybuilding Beat the Bully" or something fairly similar. I'd appreciate it if anyone could help me locate a copy.) His art is extremely expressive and he delights in transformations of all kinds.

    9/26/2003

    THE MUSCULAR MERMAID

    I've been checking the new stories section on DtV everyday, in expectation of a new Marknew story. While it hasn't arrived yet, I did find one this morning called "The Muscular Mermaid" that's a pretty good read. It's actually a mermaid FMG story, something I don't recall ever reading before.

    9/24/2003

    NEW FEATURE ENABLED

    I've added a comments field in the interests of trying something new and enlivening the blog a bit. Henceforth you will be able to post comments to the end of my posts. Understand this isn't a free-for-all. I insist upon courtesy from posters - toward me and with each other.

    9/23/2003

    VIEW FROM THE TOP

    View from the Top was released on DVD last week - I haven't bought it yet. Why are DVDs released at high price points? It used to be you could get just about any DVD for $19.99 - TOPS. Now that everyone has a DVD player and we're past the adoption stage on the technolgy, new releases seem almost always to come out in the $24.99 to $29.99 range. Even not-so-terrific movies like View from the Top or The Adventures of Pluto Nash come out in this higher range, even though most of us just want gaze longingly upon Kelly Preston's curves or Rosario Dawson's bulging fake muscles.

    Thankfully, there's Froogle - a little project the boys at Google put together a few years back, but never hard-launched. Check out View from the Top and Pluto Nash here.

    Also, some fellas at the BEArchive posted screencaps of Kelly Preston somewhat immodestly stretching out a stewardess uniform.

    FIREFLY

    There are solid reports of a Firefly movie in the works - a resurrection of Joss Whedon's unjustly cancelled sci-fi TV show. In the meantime, the DVD for the show is due out in December, and has already reached #12 in Amazon DVD sales rank at this writing. Not too bad. FOX dummies.

    NEW RENDER

    I found this at Renderosity. Pretty nice! [Nudity]

    9/22/2003

    COMICS UPDATE

    I reckon I don't keep you fellers apprised of developments in the world of comic books as often as I oughtter. Anyway, at some point in the last few weeks, Luba #7 came out. It's a Love and Rockets title, and features a story about the ever-more-muscular hottie Petra. Also out now is JSA #52, which features the new artist drawing a still reasonably buff Power Girl.

    In Luba, Petra is increasingly drawn as naturally muscular, and not just when she's flexing. That wonderful look of big naked breasts atop a muscular pectoral shelf is nicely shown. Good stuff.

    9/21/2003

    UNDERWORLD

    I saw it last night - Kate Beckinsale is so radiantly beautiful, and the cinematographer so obviously enthralled with her, that during the lovingly rendered close-ups I nearly lost track of what was going on. The flick holds up - the plotline is complex enough to have kept me guessing. The director made a weak effort at an alternate history timeline - the setting appears to be an eastern American city like New York or Philadelphia, but one settled and culturally dominated by Slavs and assorted Mitteleuropeans rather than Anglo-Saxons. For instance, everyone speaks English and skyscrapers and black people are plentiful, but police officers drive Mercedes-Benz sedans, and the streets have guttural, Habsburg sounding names and communist-style numeration.

    It works, though. Go see it. She kicks ass, and looks great in her patent leather catsuit.

    9/20/2003

    FREE STUFF AT HERBICEPS

    Fisty posted a free gallery of 20-year-old bodybuilder Cindy Phillips. She's cute as a button and built like a brick shithouse.

    NEW YORK BLOG SCENE

    Gothamist and 601am sponsored a night at Remote Lounge in the East Village on Thursday night. I missed it, but photos from that evening have been ubiquitously published on the Web. I've written before about the bodacious Ms. Chung, editrix of Gothamist, but in some of the photos from the other night, she's wearing a tight t-shirt that looks about ready to explode under pressure from her formidable rack. She's definitely the hottest blogger I'm aware of.

    Anyway, Gothamist did a whole retrospective of the event.

    9/17/2003

    ANNA KOURNIKOVA SYNDROME

    Steven DenBeste at USS Clueless runs a nice piece on the choices faced by female athletes - whether to conform to Hollywood standards of slender beauty or to bulk up for performance purposes. He focuses specifically on Anna, who rather than develop magnificent muscles like Venus, has chosen to basically opt out of winning tournaments.

    Thanks to reader Wussy for the heads up.

    9/15/2003

    MICHELLE MARSH, PARTE DEUX

    This morning's post brings a rejoinder from Michelle Marsh's webmaster Paul, who insists that
      As webmaster and friend of Michelle I can absolutely guarantee that she has not had any 'work' done whatsoever. What you see is all perfectly natural - otherwise she would not be able to do Page3 who have a policy against implants.
    Well, I can see only one way out of this debacle: the touch test. Maybe we can set something up for the next time she's in New York? An unpleasant chore for yours truly, but science cries out for an answer to the question of whether a boob, let alone two, can really be both so large and so perky.

    9/14/2003

    MICHELLE MARSH

    Reader Ian is a bit perturbed by my post on Page 3's Michelle. He writes:
      Michelle Marsh is probably the UK's bustiest page 3 girl for many a year.

      Your comments regarding her having implants added doesn't add up as she's just returned from a photo shoot in Spain for 'Perfect 10' where they insist all the models must be 100% natural.
      Here's her own webpage.
      http://www.michelle-marsh.com/

      Cheers,
      Ian
    I dunno, Ian - those shots I linked make it look like she's had some work done.

    LESBIANS

    I saw a muscular lesbian the other day. Or rather, an apparent-lesbian. I don't resent lesbians with muscles, or good-looking lesbians. However, I do object to lesbians with great boobs. I believe boobs are reserved for us fellas, and are not for girls (other than their owners) to play with.

    9/6/2003

    NAKED VOLLEYBALL

    Naked amazons are playing volleyball this weekend in - get this - the village of Beaver Falls, Township of South Beaver, County of Beaver, State of Pennsylvania. Apparently the place is a nudist mecca, and you've got to wonder where the name comes from.

    Now, if there's a Salami Creek nearby, that would clinch it for me.

    I FOUND IT

    In the fall of 1999, I moved. In the year prior to the move, I had done a fair amount of work on four separate stories. During the move, I lost the disk on which the stories were stored. I've been looking for it ever since.

    Today I was cleaning out a storage locker and found it.

    All four stories were password-protected Word documents, and after a few minutes of fumbling, I was able to unlock them. They are intact, God bless Maxell.

    One is nearly done, one is half done and two are just a quarter or so done. I'm going to finish and publish them. I may illustrate one or more of them.

    Stay tuned.

    BRAINIAC HOTTIES CONQUER JAN TANA FIGURE CONTEST

    I like my women the way I like my scrambled eggs - larded up with roughly 20% fat. Now, in the past we've discussed the near-divine qualities of Ms. D.J. Wallis:
  • Neuroscientist
  • Possessed of bombshell figure
  • Extropian trans-humanist philosopher
  • General hottie

    But in this picture from the Jana Tana, she's just too goddamned scrawny. Still, she managed to come in second in the figure contest behind yet another brainiac hottie, Dina Al-Sabah. Dina's also got a wad of graduate degrees and hotter-than-you'd-like-your-tea IQ (fahrenheit).

    They're both pretty easy on the eyes, huh?

  • PAGE 3'S MICHELLE KNOCKS MY SOCKS OFF

    Back in the 80s, the British tabloids used to run heavy breasted, curvaceous page 3 girls like Samantha Fox, but in recent years they've migrated to slender girls with smaller boobs. Finally, a compromise! In the spring, they introduced a slender-but-busty girl named "Michelle from Oldham". She was really big to begin with, but I think she may have recently had some small implants added to fill them out a bit. Her most recent photos ran on Friday in Page 3 (you'll need to check the archives if you're reading this after Sunday), but my favorite so far is this one from August 1. Page 3 girl photos are topless, of course.

    9/4/2003

    ROSIE THE RIVETER

    I was looking around and came across this site about the muscular ideal of World War II womanhood. It's really a shame this didn't stick. Imagine if one of the comic book muscle-man advertisers had launced a "Build yourself up like Rosie" program with accompanying weights and diet: "Do your duty and build your muscles!" American G.I.s might have returned from war to find a nation of muscular women. A moment just waiting to be capitalized upon, but no one did.

    IN SEARCH OF CAPTAIN EASY

    A few years ago, there was a discussion thread at DtV about female transformation in the Captain Easy cartoon strip during the 1970s. Apparently there was a running gag in the comic about something called the "breathe method" that would transform an ordinary man into an adonis, and a slender cartoon girl into a Dogpatch-level over-developed hottie.

    Yesterday I finally found the time to go looking through old copies of both the Daily News and New York Post from the 50s, 60s and 70s, but was unable to locate the strip in either paper.

    I'd appreciate any information identifying east coast papers that ran the strip.

    9/3/2003

    FEMUSCLE IN FILM

    Last week I was watching an episode of "Married with Children" and spotted the voluptuous and lovely Hope Marie Carlton. She was a Playboy centerfold in the mid-80s, but had a classical bombshell figure that was more typical in the magazine's first two decades. I took a liking to her, and so ordered the Andy Sidaris Collection, Vol. 1, which includes three movies she made. To my surprise, one of them, Hard Ticket to Hawaii, features Lori Walkup-Green in her powerfully muscled glory. She plays a bad-ass, of course.

    I was also surprised to find that the movie actually has a plot. I can't wait to watch the next five in the collection!